finding a spouseA rabbi once said that looking for your soul-mate is like looking for a lost arm, you should not ever stop until you find it.

Well, there is nothing less Jewish than being single, but is there really a soul-mate for everyone? This mystical idea that there is someone out there who is my half is really true? The rabbis who advocate this position are often the same who believe in reincarnation and in the division of souls, I do not believe in this theory by the simple fact that if there is reincarnation then the resurrection that the Bible talks about would be impossible.

I still think that believers must look for their spouse constantly, God wants us to be marry and have children so we can accomplish more mitzvot and have a better quality of life. We must constantly pray to HaShem to help us find our mate. I think we should get rid of the princes and princesses fantasies, assess our situation and have realistic expectations. We should make a list of things we need in our spouse and decide which items are non-negotiable and those that we must learn to negotiate in order to have a future together.

I feel sorry for friends who are still waiting for a sign from heaven to make a decision, waiting for the day when the person miraculously tap on their door, and meanwhile lose dozens of opportunities that life is giving to them. They lose the privilege of keeping more mitzvot, the privilege of being married and, God forbid, the privilege of parenting.

I'm not saying you should throw yourself into the arms of the first to appear, I'm saying: look for the right person because it will not appear by magic! You do not know where he/she is, maybe he/she is not in your own city, state, country! Help him/her to find you!

Lets take a look to Orthodox groups, when they want to marry they ask their rabbi for a Shiduch* and he will try to introduce them to someone he thinks is good for them, someone who have things in common with this person, belong to the same spiritual level .. etc. The couple date and talk about transcendental things - unlike the way that most of the secular people start a relationship -. What are transcendental things?: How many children do you want? What level of Torah do you want to live? What are your plans for future? How do you want to educate your children? Where do you want to live? These are really important things; having reached a common point, this couple decides to keep dating for a month or two and then book the date for their engagement and then marriage, if they don't agree in the most important subjects they will request another Shiduch and so on.

And what about love? It will come, they think, love is a decision and it will be learned. The more I have in common with my partner the more pleasant living will be and this will make me fall in love with him/her.

Is this possible? People who are part of those religious communities have something in common, men are raised to be husbands, women to be wives and both to build a family. Everyone knows what to do and will do so.

Secular people and sadly even believers still base their relationships on emotions and leave the rest to God. They see, like, want, take and once married the troubles start to arrive. Love covers a multitude of faults, it is true, but non cultivated love is finite, and once is finished there is no way for faults to be covered.

When a couple is complemented, care and respect each other, a deep love emerges and dwells in their home, the bond becomes unbreakable, eternal. There is NO way of subsisting without each other, they are no longer two, they are ONE and it does not take a princess or a prince to make this happen.

I sincerely hope that every single child of Israel will soon find a spouse and have a blessed life,

* Shiduch:


Erinia's Thoughts:

When I first read this, I loved it!  Firstly, because it is written by one of our members and also because it is frank, to the point and full of common sense.  It is freeing to realize that there is nothing wrong with saying that you are single and LOOKING!  For so long, I have heard singles (especially females) say that they don't really want people to know they are looking for a spouse.  They don't want a reputation for being a chaser.  Wow.   Somehow, letting the general community know that you are single and available does not strike me as chasing the opposite sex.  When it comes to guys, they SHOULD be chasers.  Not to the degree where all singles ladies flee at the sight of you but there is nothing wrong with letting people know that you are looking for a wife!  

Thank you to the member who submitted this wonderful article!